Wow, I can't believe I'm doing this....

I've thought about journaling my experience before, but never took out the journal so here I am now on the computer telling the whole world my thoughts. I guess it does feel a bit theraputic to "vent" to anyone who will "listen" (I mean read!). I just read another person's blog about her secondary infertility trials and it was comforting to know that I am NOT alone, God and others are feeling this experience with me. Maybe I can be a comfort to someone else too? Maybe then I won't be going through this in vain.
You see it all started almost 2 1/2 years ago when I found out I was pregnant with my second baby. We were so excited, our toddler was begging daily for a baby sister and I couldn't wait to give her one. Only 10 weeks later when we went to hear the heartbeat for the first time, it was not there. Shocked and in utter disbelief, I vowed to come back in 2 weeks to hear it since it was just "hiding" and hard to hear I thought. Afterall, I was getting bigger, feeling pregnant (although my symptoms had gotten "better", I just thought I was lucky not to feel sick) I'll take morning sickness anyday over what I realized had happened to me. You see, my sac was still getting bigger only the baby had died at around 6 weeks. By the time I was out of denial, I was just finishing up my 1st trimester. I was advised to get a DNC that Friday so I did. VERY TRAMATIC. I NEVER thought that would happen to me. My sister had 5 successful pregnancies and my mom had 3 with no miscarriages, I thought I was "safe" from the miscarriage nightmare. WRONG! I naively thought miscarriages were hereditary. Everyone told me, after the DNC you'll get pregnant right away and then you can move on. Well, its been over two years and not even one successful pregnancy test. "What is wrong with me?" "Will I ever be able to get pregnant again?"began to be frequent questions in my mind. Until one day last month after getting desparate and subjecting myself to needles on a weekly basis for the accupuncture I had heard helps infertility and taking the herbs (8 pills 3 times a day), I found myself taking a pregnancy test so I could once again get the agony of waiting for the "bomb" to drop over and just move on to thinking "maybe next month". To my astonishment, it showed positive. It took a few days to really absorb the fact that I was pregnant after soooo long. I lived each moment on eggshells and each day felt like a month. It was the longest 2 weeks of my life I think I can honestly say. That will be for another blog but at 6 weeks, I lost the baby :( and here I begin all over again with the cycle of hope and disappointment. The cycle of pain that seems invisable to everyone but me. I pray for God to grant me peace about the situation and to have faith that his plan is my plan just not in my timing. I pray that he will surround me with what I need to get through this because I do have faith that he only gives us what we can handle and what will make us stronger. I do know that now I have a stronger sense of compassion for those who struggle with infertility!